This too too solid flesh

This is a tricky month for people who talk about needing to lose weight all year round but do sweet FA about it. On the one huge hand, you’ve got four weeks to clean up your act and work hard to offset the inevitable Christmas Bulge. But on the other – fuck it. Baby, it’s cold outside – pass me the crisps, chocolate, wine, cheese and cake. And while you’re at it – nip over to the estate and see if you can score. Go oooooooooooooon, let’s pretend that we’re still young and hanging out in Amsterdam.

So I was not only grateful but also HUGELY IMPRESSED when my old friend Wasteline told me that she was embarking on a WINTER WEIGHT LOSS PLAN.

Read all about her newspaper-wrapped chip avoidance at:

thistootoosolidflesh.blogspot.com*

This is my favourite bit so far:

“The bridesmaid dress looms. Every time I tell someone about this diet, they don't, as hoped, say 'darling , you don't need to diet', they say 'good luck'. This is worrying. Do I have unrealistic body image? My father, who was 26 stone and 5 ft 8 inches was convinced he was anorexic as every time he looked in the mirror he saw a fat person.”

Fantastic. Popping out of the office for ten minutes, you say? A Pret Love bar would be GRAND, thank you so much xxxx

*I'm having trouble doing links at the moment, for some reason.

Hump Day advice from the Overlook

As MANY of you will know, it is half term. ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Fortunately there is a functioning VHS in this cottage so I've been buying LOADS of videos for the kids at bargainous prices. Today's trawl included Oliver!/Annie double bill, The Muppets Take Manhattan, The Aristocats and - brace yourselves - The Ballamory Panto special! That's right - the one where Archie and PC Plum are the panto DAMES! Oh no he isn't - oh yes, I think you'll find he is.

Anyway, as any parent will tell you, half term can be a mixed old bag. Bad days and really bad days. Yesterday was shocking, all manner of moaning (btw, watching Andrew Marr as I type and love the way the sun shines through his ears and makes them glow red) and WHAT DID I DO IN A PREVIOUS LIFE type thoughts.

So - I was feeling desperate. By 8pm I'd consumed half a bottle of the Wine Society's white and I was plastered. THEN I drank a few mugs of coffee. I was sober by midnight. So I got all the pleasure of drunken oblivion and none of the hangover pain. It was absolutely brilliant and I felt it only fair to share. Bottoms up! But don't forget to look behind you.

Does anyone else get irritated by the label post suggestions? "e.g. scooters, holidays, autumn"? I wish I had a scooter anecdote then I'd have the whole list LICKED in one post.

Boss Hog

Great excitement at the Overlook Castle! We have been invited to the village's ONE AND ONLY social event - the bonfire night and HOG ROAST!!! How f*cking brilliant is that?!!! I am expecting great things and if it fulfills its comic potential, I'll lift my self-imposed ban on personal blogging and post a few choice crackling-chunks of information.

Still haven't even drafted the Snappy Snaps posts, when I got called a c*nt, though.

And there's nothing to tell re the broken mobile phone, I'm afraid, Sarg - I just dropped in on the kitchen floor and as it's a kwalidy rental floor, made of real terracotta tiles (as opposed to the cheapo, crappo lino shite we've had in every grotty little Shameless set we've ever "owned" - by which I mean we've had a 99% mortgage on) the poor old phone BOUGHT IT. DOMMAGE. Can't WAIT to get it fixed though as I took a brilliant photo on it in Morrisons and I'm going to make it my new Facebook and Twitter profile shot.

Mr C has just come home bearing lukewarm bubbly. I am SLAUGHTERED, after a single glass. This is just as well, though - I have abandoned The Girl with the Dragon Tramp Stamp, simply can't get into it - and I am reading The Shining. Finally. I have been obsessed with the fil-um, like, FOREVER but haven't been able to bring myself to read the book - until NOW. And it's scaring the SHIT out of me, especially as we live IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD in a semi-detached house EXACTLY like the Pontipines' house (I know I've spelt that wrong but I'm late and it's pissed!!!!) so we only have 1 NEIGHBOUR and although the stars sparkle properly like diamonds due to the lack of light pollution NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM, WENDY, LIGHT OF MY LIFE.

You'll have gathered that although I announced that I was stopping blogging AGAIN, I've started again - because I've had a drink! Just call me Dylan Thomas.

HOLES OF MY GLORY

Sometimes I miss London desperately. I received the following e-mail this morning. Sadly I won't be able to attend, living as I do in rural Kent, but I thought it only fair to share.

HOLES OF MY GLORY

interactive installation and performance by FEDOR PAVLOV-ANDREEVICH
as a part of PLAY
A festival of funGroup Show
9 October - 7 November 2009
THIS EXHIBITION IS AT 50 UPPER BROOK STREET, LONDON W1K 2BS
PRIVATE VIEW: THURSDAY 8th OCTOBER 2009


HOLES OF MY GLORY

Fedor Pavlov-Andreevich continues to explore the anonymous intercourse whichtakes place between an artist and his audience. His performance included inthe Marina Abramovic Presents program at the Manchester International Festival this summer, "My Mouth Is A Temple," turned the artist into an all-absorbing mouth hole, to which every visitor could do whatever they wanted.This new installation/performance by Pavlov-Andreevich touches upon the theme of the audience's ability to identify an artist and brings it into this context. Almost any art requires a certain love and care from the sideof its consumers. Artists may seek an audience's love, but occasionally an artist would want to experience this love in a physical way - not just in a material (buying art) or spiritual (adoring art) way.

Pavlov-Andreevich recalls his childhood with its number one passion - the Czech amusement park across the road, "Luna-Park," with its endless attractions and the hundreds of children, scurrying around in passionate,but futile, attempts to win something. It was nearly impossible - kids bowling, a famous claw which was supposed to grasp a prize from the bottom of a glass box, even a shooting gallery for kids - they were all nothing else but tricks, designed to make kids strive more and more to win. But the true winners were those Czech adults, the park's staff, selling tickets to the poor kids.

For PLAY: A FESTIVAL OF FUN, Pavlov-Andreevich will recreate this experience with the gallery's visitors. A curtain hiding a plywood wall will be raised to the sound of joyous, upbeat music. Various male body parts will be sticking out of multiple [glory] holes in the plywood wall. A voice will announce: "Please grab a body part which belongs to the artist." If the visitor makes the correct choice, grabbing the artist's ear (foot, nose,dick etc), the same upbeat music will play, the curtain will drop and thevisitor can collect their prize, inserted into a glass egg, in a special drawer in the lower part of the wall. The loser will be accompanied with a different soundtrack as the curtain drops. For those who wouldn't want to tempt their fate, there will be colored casts of the artist's various body parts on display on a Samples Wall, available for all visitors at knock-down prices. Fedor Pavlov-Andreevich truly believes that identifying an artist in a tactile way would bring every visitor half-way to a mutual understanding between the artist and his audience.************
FEDOR PAVLOV-ANDREEVICHHOLES OF MY GLORY
Multimedia installation Performance 2009************
Please call my UK mobile +447946591807 or email me if you happen to be inLondon this week (am here until Thursday night) or the week of Frieze ArtFair (am in London between Oct 14 and 17) - would be great to take you on a private tour Volcanolove,FxMORE INFO ON THE SHOW<http://www.paradiserow.com/exhibitions/_40/>

"It is better to play than do nothing"Confucius.

Paradise Row and Prakke Contemporary proudly present Play, a 'pop-up' groupshow and program of performances and events themed on the subject of Play.Group Show featuring:Johanna Billing, Justin Coombes, Jake & Dinos Chapman, Shezad Dawood, Toddde Luca, Edward Fornieles, Margarita Gluzberg, Nicholas Hatfull, Jeppe Hein,Carsten Holler, Evan Holloway, Sol LeWitt, Ross McNicol, Gosha Ostretsov,Guillaume Paris, Fedor Pavlov-Andreevich, Barry Reigate, Gary Webb, UlrikWeck, Douglas White, Conrad Shawcross, Tim White-Sobieski, Richard Wentworthand Aaron Young.Performance program curated by The Wallis Gallery (Vanessa Carlos, RossMcNicol and Co.), Katie Guggenheim and Amelia Whitelaw, featuring:Zayne Armstrong, Awst & Walther, Sarah Elliot, Eloise Fornieles & KateHawkins, Ian Giles, Kirstie Macleod, Harry Meadows, Steven Ounanian, OlympiaScarry, Amelia Whitelaw, and more.Play is generously sponsored by 'Bespoke by Brigitta Spinocchia'

Dear Hound

I listened to Woman's Hour this morning and was delighted to hear that the brilliant Jill Murphy has a new book coming out in October (on 9 October, I think, if I've remembered the amazon listing correctly). It's about a pet dog who goes missing but Jill said that the story has a happy ending - so the dog must find his way home, like Toto in Oz! YAY!

She said so many interesting things during the interview. I was amazed to discover that she wrote Five Minutes' Peace long before she'd had any children of her own. And she read a bit from Dear Hound, which referred to that horrible sinking feeling you get when you've been through a terrible ordeal, slept, had a blissful moment upon awakening when you've forgotten the trauma - then all too soon, the grim truth comes flooding back. She also said that life is about dealing with loss and change. But I'm typing depressing bollocks now - just do Listen Again. If you manage to escape the children for five minutes, that is. And if you're child-free, do a little dance of smugness!

Gawd bless yer, Jill Murphy.

Mean Reds? NAH, FIERCE Red more like!

I am very excited because I have just watched Titian Red, truly one of the most generous spirited women on the internet, do her bit on the plinth in Trafalgar Square! My favourite moment was when she read Jill Murphy's Five Minutes' Peace to her dusky audience of Twitterati. She said that she used to read it to her children when they were little and it's a great favourite here in the castle, along with All in One Piece, where Mr and Mrs Large go out for the evening. This is a very unusual treat for Mrs Large and inevitably, the children create merry Hell before she steps out of the door wearing her posh frock. I would just like to share a much-loved extract with you:

Outside on the landing, things were even worse. Laura was clopping about in her mother's best shoes and beads and Lester and Luke were seeing how many toys they could cram into her new tights. "Downstairs at once!" Bellowed Mrs Large. "Can't I have just one night in the whole year to myself? One night when I am not covered in jam and poster-paint? One night when I can put on my new dress and walk through the front door all in one piece?"

I feel that Mrs Large speaks for every deranged, socially starved mother of mentalist munchkins, don't you? So poignant.

Also, I don't know whether Titian Red is aware of this, but there is a NEW (well, quite new) Large family book on the block! It is called Mr Large In Charge and it's all about how Mr Large looks after the children for a whole day one weekend when Mrs Large is ill. It is another work of absolute genius and I bought it for Mr Castle for Father's Day a couple of years ago.